Random thoughts & musings of a Michigan newlywed... Look out, I'm changing the world!!

Friday, May 19, 2006

what's rattling around in my head on this dreary Friday

I think today is going to be a good day.

It is cold and rainy out, but the radio promises that tomorrow will be a better, sunnier day for us all. Which is just fine with me, since it's Saturday and all. Horray for sun on Saturday! Maybe I will finally get out into the yard and pull all the many millions of weeds that have multiplied so profusely after this week of rain. I have been talking about cleaning out my flowerbed for what, weeks, I think, now? So maybe I should finally follow through. After all, Memorial Day is supposedly the official "safe" day to plant.

I'll be heading off to the World Expo of Beer tonight, to serve beer to the masses assembled to "appreciate the brew" (specifically, get incredibly drunk). So that should be highly amusing. You can find me at the "Beer, Bitch" booth. No, seriously. I guess it's a brand?

Thank goodness that I'll have some good friends there; I haven't seen them in a while, either, so should be really fun. Only sucky part about the evening is that Jimmy won't be there; he'll be working. Granted, he'll be right down the street, really, but it's not the same as having him right there next to me. That's the crap part about our new arrangement.

For the most part, I think we're both loving life. In general I've never seen him happier--he's fulfilling himself during the week and doing something that's mildly enjoyable on the weekends. But the weekends of work suck, and I know he feels like he's missing out on a lot. Just this weekend we are missing a 30th birthday party and a housewarming because of the crazy hours he's pulling. And I think he's kind of bummed about it today. I guess I probably didn't help with my multiple excited calls about the beer expo.

That's the thing--I miss being able to share silly things like this with him, along with Sunday afternoons in bed. But we knew we were trading that, I guess, and I know it will be temporary. But still... miss him. Like right now, I miss him, because I know he's home getting ready for work and I wish I could be there with him. But I guess that's part of the reason we work so well. I don't know about him, but for me, whenever he's not there I am feeling a pull toward him. He always said in hs that I was obsessed, and I guess he was right.


We also got our wedding album this week, and I'm so glad we finally have it. I had such major procrastination issues with it, but I'm glad I waited. It's absolutely gorgeous. Our photographer did an amazing job. I took it over to my Grandma's last night, and she loved it, although she laughed at the abundance of black and white photography we used. "When I got married, we actually had someone paint the pictures with oil to give them color." I guess it's funny how things change, but then she was married going on 56 years ago.

I wish that Grandpa had been there to see the album, but I guess that as wishes go I'm just grateful he was there for the wedding. I cried a bit on the way home last night, but as sadness goes, it's getting better. I guess I can calm myself down a bit more over it now, but what's making me sad lately is that summer is coming and there are going to be so many holes.

Mother's Day, the kids (that new, little generation I wasn't aware of and then there it was) were playing baseball in the yard and Jimmy and I sat on one of the swings he had built, rocking and watching. I remembered all the times I'd sat on that same swing with my Grandpa, his arm around me, all the times we'd played ball in the yard, the fact that he'd always been the first to start the game. I remembered, and I was sad, but I didn't cry. It was more an empty feeling, an awareness of what was missing, than it was profound grief. And with Jimmy there next to me, I felt okay. Sometimes you just have to say a little prayer, and appreciate moments for what they are, not what they could be.


Blogger Sara Annie said...

Sunday (Mother's Day) after I left Grandmas, dad walked me out to my car and hugged me, which I always find so emotional. As I got in my car and started to drive away, he walked over to where Gandpa died. I didn't stay to see if he stood there long, but I was too sad to drive, and I knew I couldn't leave yet, but I couldn't stay there. So I went to Grandpas grave to see his new headstone, which is beautiful. I just stood there and cried, for what, I don't know. Then all the sudden I started to feel stupid, like what was I crying for? I just realized that Grandpa was in the cemetary with me, telling me I was silly for standing there crying. So I laughed and thought about what he would be doing if he was still around. Since then I have missed him, but haven't really cried about it or stayed awake at night thinking about him. I just say my prayers to him every night like Dad said to do. He must be listening to us, cause everything is beginning to feel okay.

4:22 PM  

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