BounceSmileGiggleRepeat

Random thoughts & musings of a Michigan newlywed... Look out, I'm changing the world!!

Friday, June 02, 2006

Maybe.

Well, I just did it. I haven’t been this nervous/excited for a while now. “I’m like 90% excited, 10% nervous… or maybe it’s the other way around.” (NTM... I know someone out there can...)

I can’t stop getting up to check the fax, to see whether it’s come through. I stand in front of the copier/fax expectantly, punching the little buttons that bring up the queue of waiting jobs, just to see if it’s on its way. I haven’t seen it yet.

I just faxed my old college for my transcript. I may be going back to school. (I’m going to leave all the bad Tommy Boy jokes out of this for now). I don’t know how to feel about this thought in my head yet, save the excited/nervous feeling. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I don’t know if this would be a good thing or not. But I keep thinking about teaching lately, teaching high school students. I keep thinking about the sense of fulfillment and, let’s face it, nerdy pleasure that I get from correcting my little sister’s composition papers. I keep thinking about all the lessons revealed to me during that time, through reading of books that I still keep on my bookshelf, like To Kill a Mockingbird and the one with Holden Caulfield… what the heck is that called? Right, Catcher in the Rye. And most of all I keep thinking that maybe, possibly, I could make a difference.

Maybe.

But I know something is not right with me right now, the way things are. I am not fulfilled in what I’m doing. It could be my fault, that I’m not playing the game to the fullest, or it could just be that—hey, here’s a novel thought—it’s just not me. I don’t think that all this corporate stuff is really for me. I don’t get any satisfaction from this same thing, day in and day out. Would teaching be the same? I’m not sure. Maybe. But I don’t know, and I think I want to find out.

I’m nervous about the money end of it, what it might cost and the time involved and what will happen to my life. What would all be different, and holy cow, I would have to do homework again! But… that kind of excites me. I am a nerd like that and the thought of immersing myself once again in delicious-smelling new textbooks is very, very attractive to me. I can hear the siren call of the bookstore. It’s pulling me in.

I have a million thoughts, worries and prayers lolling about in my head and my stomach, and I’m not yet sure what to think, or what to feel. But I think this could be good. It could be just what I need.

Maybe.